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I’m sitting here at my computer surrounded by piles of dirty clothes (that I just discarded), papers, books, and almost-but-not-quite clean dishes. I’m really not that messy a guy. It just looks that way, because I’m in college.

It occurred to me as I was sitting here eating some frosted mini-wheats out of a coffee mug for want of a clean bowl, that there are certain things that only bachelors/college guys would be caught dead doing. Here are some more, with the ones of which I’m guilty highlighted.

From taylor.lib.oh.us:

If you average 3 hours of sleep a night

If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t

If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week

If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy

If you wake up 10 minutes before class

If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them

If your breakfast consists of a coke [energy drink?] on the way to class

If your social life consists of a date with the library

If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room

If you typically have less than a dollar with you

If you haven’t done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class

If you celebrate when you find a quarter

If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over

If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself

If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis

If you get more sleep in class than in your room

If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles

If you can sleep through your roommate’s blaring stereo

If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes

If you get more e-mail than mail……

From John H. Bickford, 1997:

you have the pizza delivery phone number memorized.

you have ever shown up for class wearing the same outfit you wore to bed the previous night.

your idea of a square meal is a box of pop-tarts.

you have ever gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and had to step over more than two complete strangers sleeping on your floor.

it feels weird taking a shower without wearing beach sandals.

you schedule your day around “The Bold and the Beautiful.”

you have developed a weekly ritual of waking up blurry-eyed on Saturday afternoons and proceeding to determine where the hell you are.

it doesn’t faze you at all to carry on a pleasant conversation with someone while taking a shit.

a baseball cap and some Binaca make an acceptable substitute for daily grooming.

you have ever done laundry at 4am.

you have ever sung from a rooftop.

you have ever vomited from a rooftop. Or down a stairwell.

you know approximately how many people can fit into your closet, shower stall, or the trunk of your car.

you have ever traveled anywhere with several bags of dirty clothes.

you have ever seen a sofa fall past your bedroom window. On fire.

you have ever paid $100 for a single book without batting an eye.

you have ever sold that same $100 book eight months later, unread, for seven bucks.

more than twenty percent of your household furnishings are made from milk crates. [well, at one point, my bed was up on a total of 12 cinder blocks.]

you have done a week’s worth of food shopping at Wal-Mart.

you have ever heaved seventeen beer cans and a bag of pot out the window because someone at your door didn’t use the secret knock.

you have ever actually used some of the complex mathematical formulas from your physics class notes to determine the best way to “relocate” a granite statue.

you know not to enter your room when a certain object is hanging from the doorknob.

you have to lock up your television when you retire at night.

you have ever been excited to find a pair of $15 jeans in your size.

you have ever had to wait in line to brush your teeth.

you have caught yourself using words such as “aggregate” or “egregious” in casual conversation.

you have a calling card, but no phone.

you have a credit card, but no job.

your hair color changes more often than the season.

there have ever been more than nine people in your car at once.

you can tell the time of day by the noise level in the hall outside your door.

the “home fries” you were served at breakfast look suspiciously like the french fries you were served at dinner the night before.

you have inexplicable urges to have various body parts pierced.

you actually know someone named Sasha.

empty cans or cigarette boxes make good room decorations.

you have ever climbed from your friend’s third-story window to your own fourth-story window because you locked yourself out of your room.

you set your alarm clock for 8:50am to make a 9:00am class.

there are usually a few people out jogging in front of your building at 11pm.

you have ever spent the day shopping without purchasing a single new item.

you call your auto club more often than you call your mother.

you have ever opened your door and found a naked person hurrying past it.

you have rediscovered afternoon naps.

you have ever found yourself at a hospital emergency room seeking treatment for a “slam-dancing” injury.

you’d rather go hungry than break off your Internet connection to order a pizza.

you include “photocopying” in your monthly budget.

people suddenly shut up while Letterman does the “Top Ten” list.

you were in debt by $20,000 before your twentieth birthday.

you have ever seen someone ignite a fart.

you store your toiletries in a bucket next to your bed.

you have ever been part of a team whose goal was to get a goat in a Volkswagon onto the domed roof of the administration building before dawn.

I’m sitting here at my computer surrounded by piles of dirty clothes (that I just discarded), papers, books, and almost-but-not-quite clean dishes. I’m really not that messy a guy. It just looks that way, because I’m in college.

It occurred to me as I was sitting here eating some frosted mini-wheats out of a coffee mug for want of a clean bowl, that there are certain things that only bachelors/college guys would be caught dead doing. Here are some more, with the ones of which I’m guilty highlighted.

From taylor.lib.oh.us:

If you average 3 hours of sleep a night

If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t

If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week

If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy

If you wake up 10 minutes before class

If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them

If your breakfast consists of a coke [energy drink?] on the way to class

If your social life consists of a date with the library

If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room

If you typically have less than a dollar with you

If you haven’t done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class

If you celebrate when you find a quarter

If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over

If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself

If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis

If you get more sleep in class than in your room

If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles

If you can sleep through your roommate’s blaring stereo

If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes

If you get more e-mail than mail……

From John H. Bickford, 1997:

you have the pizza delivery phone number memorized.

you have ever shown up for class wearing the same outfit you wore to bed the previous night.

your idea of a square meal is a box of pop-tarts.

you have ever gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and had to step over more than two complete strangers sleeping on your floor.

it feels weird taking a shower without wearing beach sandals.

you schedule your day around “The Bold and the Beautiful.”

you have developed a weekly ritual of waking up blurry-eyed on Saturday afternoons and proceeding to determine where the hell you are.

it doesn’t faze you at all to carry on a pleasant conversation with someone while taking a shit.

a baseball cap and some Binaca make an acceptable substitute for daily grooming.

you have ever done laundry at 4am.

you have ever sung from a rooftop.

you have ever vomited from a rooftop. Or down a stairwell.

you know approximately how many people can fit into your closet, shower stall, or the trunk of your car.

you have ever traveled anywhere with several bags of dirty clothes.

you have ever seen a sofa fall past your bedroom window. On fire.

you have ever paid $100 for a single book without batting an eye.

you have ever sold that same $100 book eight months later, unread, for seven bucks.

more than twenty percent of your household furnishings are made from milk crates. [well, at one point, my bed was up on a total of 12 cinder blocks.]

you have done a week’s worth of food shopping at Wal-Mart.

you have ever heaved seventeen beer cans and a bag of pot out the window because someone at your door didn’t use the secret knock.

you have ever actually used some of the complex mathematical formulas from your physics class notes to determine the best way to “relocate” a granite statue.

you know not to enter your room when a certain object is hanging from the doorknob.

you have to lock up your television when you retire at night.

you have ever been excited to find a pair of $15 jeans in your size.

you have ever had to wait in line to brush your teeth.

you have caught yourself using words such as “aggregate” or “egregious” in casual conversation.

you have a calling card, but no phone.

you have a credit card, but no job.

your hair color changes more often than the season.

there have ever been more than nine people in your car at once.

you can tell the time of day by the noise level in the hall outside your door.

the “home fries” you were served at breakfast look suspiciously like the french fries you were served at dinner the night before.

you have inexplicable urges to have various body parts pierced.

you actually know someone named Sasha.

empty cans or cigarette boxes make good room decorations.

you have ever climbed from your friend’s third-story window to your own fourth-story window because you locked yourself out of your room.

you set your alarm clock for 8:50am to make a 9:00am class.

there are usually a few people out jogging in front of your building at 11pm.

you have ever spent the day shopping without purchasing a single new item.

you call your auto club more often than you call your mother.

you have ever opened your door and found a naked person hurrying past it.

you have rediscovered afternoon naps.

you have ever found yourself at a hospital emergency room seeking treatment for a “slam-dancing” injury.

you’d rather go hungry than break off your Internet connection to order a pizza.

you include “photocopying” in your monthly budget.

people suddenly shut up while Letterman does the “Top Ten” list.

you were in debt by $20,000 before your twentieth birthday.

you have ever seen someone ignite a fart.

you store your toiletries in a bucket next to your bed.

you have ever been part of a team whose goal was to get a goat in a Volkswagon onto the domed roof of the administration building before dawn.