A Confession, of Sorts
A very dear friend of mine is among the many men who consider a girl’s smoking of a cigarette to be a deal-breaker when it comes to dating her. (In fact, this month’s Men’s Health reports that of 2,758 men to visit MensHealth.com, “Smokes” was tied at 22% for first place among “deal breakers,” along with “Dated your best friend”.) To him, it’s not only disgusting in its own right (ashtray-breath, the heightened risk of lung cancer, &c.), but it also speaks to the psychological factors: perhaps a Freudian oral fixation? (There are many other factors here, but lest it sound like I’m throwing off on smokers, I’ll hold my friend’s peace.)
Now, it doesn’t particularly bother me to kiss a girl who smokes—I dated a couple of girls during my early college days, and they were very sweet—though I couldn’t bring myself to marry one, since it’s drastically important for my kids not to see either of their parents die a slow and painful cancer-death. After all, I used to smoke, and even now partake every once in a while of a nice cigar or pipe—and some girls really hate the taste of coffee, so it evens out.
But all that nonsense aside, I think it runs deeper than an oral fixation. Granted, I could be projecting my year at Clemson, but I think that girls who smoke habitually are confessing that life is too much for them, much in the same way that Camus views suicide. Have you ever been in a place where everything is different than what you’re used to, and in an intimidating way? Where you can’t find anyone to talk with who won’t think less of you for existing? When I see these girls around Columbia smoking, it looks like to me that same kind of “badass” smoke screen, literally, that says, “I’m tough! … I promise. Really.” To the one with discernment, it fairly screams, “I’m alone and scared. I want a friend, but more than that I want you to leave me alone because you could hurt me, whoever you are.”
Your thoughts? Maybe I’m completely off here.
6 Responses to “A Confession, of Sorts”
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Thom Says:
August 22nd, 2005 at 08:38:58Back in the day, smoking was a definite deal-breaker.
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tyler Says:
August 22nd, 2005 at 14:09:58didn’t you get the memo? being surrounded by a huge cloud of awful smelling, cancer inducing smoke is supposed to be sexy! duh. and yes…coffee, gross!
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Thom Says:
August 22nd, 2005 at 16:02:53Nice breakdown of “what smoking girls really say.” I pretty much agree. Do guys say the same thing when they smoke? Why or why not? Does cigarette advertizing to women support/deny your hypothesis?
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Michael Says:
August 22nd, 2005 at 16:28:40Haha Tyler, I must have been filling out my TPS reports when that memo came in.
Thanks for your comments, Thom! In my case—at Clemson, I was still (as you know) reeling from an experience that left me feeling like God had deserted/abandoned me utterly, so it began that way: a willingness to destroy myself for the sake of dopamine-numbness, the illusion of emotional safety.
At this point, though, as in the case at the concert, for me it’s mostly a kind of indulgence, like dessert—and not least a self-test that asks, “Can you have just one?” (Actually, having seen that aforementioned post in print again makes it look like a really stupid thing all around, pictures of Camus be damned.)
For most men my age, though, I think it’s more to try to borrow from the ’50s Zeitgeist of cool, a James Dean emulation thing. That, and universally, for guys and girls, whatever their reason for starting, it ends up (1) sending you a dopamine rush per stick, (2) satisfies some Freudian deficiency, (3) gives you something to do with your hands at parties or other socially awkward situations. For those reasons, though, it seems to me more and more like an “I want my mommy,” oral fixation thing (whatever else it might be), so I don’t think I’ll be having that “party cigarette” again.
On the other hand, I fully intend to keep engaging in the gentlemanly art of the occasional cigar; after all, Freud himself said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!”
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August 22nd, 2005 at 16:35:08I can’t really speak to advertising, BTW, since I only subscribe to First Things and Men’s Health, what with the former not containing any ads and the latter catering to men who avoid tobacco like a supersized fry.
From what I remember of Virginia Slims ads in the ’80s and ’90s, it’s supposed to make you more mysterious or sexy as a woman. I don’t think they can really pull that off anymore. To me it seems like more of an empowerment thing: tobacco smoking in the U.S. has always been skewed toward the Marlboro Man, James Dean, et al., for its symbol of masculinity, however false. I think women that smoke are mostly (consciously or unconsciously) trying to latch onto that–or at least the advertisers are.
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Ashley S. Says:
August 23rd, 2005 at 21:05:29My comments….I think I need to meet your friend lol.
Smoking is a deal-breaker for me also. But don’t worry…I still love me some coffee breath. *mwah* Haha.
August 22nd, 2005 at 08:38:58
Back in the day, smoking was a definite deal-breaker.
August 22nd, 2005 at 14:09:58
didn’t you get the memo? being surrounded by a huge cloud of awful smelling, cancer inducing smoke is supposed to be sexy! duh. and yes…coffee, gross!
August 22nd, 2005 at 16:02:53
Nice breakdown of “what smoking girls really say.” I pretty much agree. Do guys say the same thing when they smoke? Why or why not? Does cigarette advertizing to women support/deny your hypothesis?
August 22nd, 2005 at 16:28:40
Haha Tyler, I must have been filling out my TPS reports when that memo came in.
Thanks for your comments, Thom! In my case—at Clemson, I was still (as you know) reeling from an experience that left me feeling like God had deserted/abandoned me utterly, so it began that way: a willingness to destroy myself for the sake of dopamine-numbness, the illusion of emotional safety.
At this point, though, as in the case at the concert, for me it’s mostly a kind of indulgence, like dessert—and not least a self-test that asks, “Can you have just one?” (Actually, having seen that aforementioned post in print again makes it look like a really stupid thing all around, pictures of Camus be damned.)
For most men my age, though, I think it’s more to try to borrow from the ’50s Zeitgeist of cool, a James Dean emulation thing. That, and universally, for guys and girls, whatever their reason for starting, it ends up (1) sending you a dopamine rush per stick, (2) satisfies some Freudian deficiency, (3) gives you something to do with your hands at parties or other socially awkward situations. For those reasons, though, it seems to me more and more like an “I want my mommy,” oral fixation thing (whatever else it might be), so I don’t think I’ll be having that “party cigarette” again.
On the other hand, I fully intend to keep engaging in the gentlemanly art of the occasional cigar; after all, Freud himself said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!”
August 22nd, 2005 at 16:35:08
I can’t really speak to advertising, BTW, since I only subscribe to First Things and Men’s Health, what with the former not containing any ads and the latter catering to men who avoid tobacco like a supersized fry.
From what I remember of Virginia Slims ads in the ’80s and ’90s, it’s supposed to make you more mysterious or sexy as a woman. I don’t think they can really pull that off anymore. To me it seems like more of an empowerment thing: tobacco smoking in the U.S. has always been skewed toward the Marlboro Man, James Dean, et al., for its symbol of masculinity, however false. I think women that smoke are mostly (consciously or unconsciously) trying to latch onto that–or at least the advertisers are.
August 23rd, 2005 at 21:05:29
My comments….I think I need to meet your friend lol.
Smoking is a deal-breaker for me also. But don’t worry…I still love me some coffee breath. *mwah* Haha.