“I don’t love you anymore” Revisited
http://thinkblog.org/index.php/2005/05/20/i_don_t_love_you_anymore
As promised, here are some more thoughts on what that .50 caliber phrase means, where it comes from psychologically, and what impact it can have.
First, the Evanescence song that made me think about it, “Everybody’s Fool”* from their 6x platinum album Fallen:
Perfect by nature
Icons of self indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world thatNever was and never will be
Have you no shame? Don’t you see me?
You know you’ve got everybody fooledLook here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when you’re pretending
But now I know sheNever was and never will be
You don’t know how you’ve betrayed me
And somehow you’ve got everybody fooledWithout the mask, where will you hide?
Can’t find yourself lost in your lieI know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don’t love you anymoreIt Never was and never will be
You don’t know how you’ve betrayed me
And somehow you’ve got everybody fooledIt never was and never will be
You’re not real and you can’t save me
Somehow now you’re everybody’s fool
Let’s set aside for a minute the chillingly sirenic voice of lead singer Amy Lee and focus on what she’s saying. The song is about a lover who put up a front, apparently, but who was a lying snake of a man in private, and who apparently cheated on her. (For simplicity’s sake I will refer to “her” as though Ms. Lee was singing singularly and autobiographically; I don’t know if that’s the case.)
The point of the song, if I hear it correctly, is to say that the love she and this guy shared is null and void, because the foundation for her was built on false knowledge about him.
So then, if it was false knowledge, then it was false love, or at least love misplaced. I ask you again, is this an acceptable use of the phrase? Is this merely an over-the-top emotional expression of such severity that it comes out as something she didn’t mean, or could not mean?
I have loved someone before and discovered that there was more (or less) than met the eye. The girl that said this to me believed me to be a liar and a fake, as well, I believe (I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt). I was going through a very rough time, and ended up handling the breakup very poorly. Was it warranted? Even if it was true, was it a good thing to say? I wonder.
I do wonder if it’s possible for it to be true; I took it at face value when she said it, and it nearly destroyed me. I thought that if she had ever loved me surely she must still, since you cannot stem the flow of love immediately like turning off a spigot even with rage. But something about that doesn’t add up. I think the compulsion to utter this phrase comes from deep pain that is grounded in perceived betrayal. Logically, if you see that someone has completely changed, or that they are not as you thought them to be, then your love was placed on a phantom; therefore, to say to the person as he or she now presents themselves that “I don’t love you anymore” is to say, “I don’t love the true you, who you are at your core, regardless of having loved an image you successfully projected for X amount of time.”
Anyway, I’m curious about your thoughts. Does this indeed stem from betrayal, or can it come from other sources? Can anyone really mean this completely, having once loved? (My suspicion is no.) Let me know what you think.
* Lyrics to “Everybody’s Fool” copyright © 2003 Wind-Up Records.
4 Responses to ““I don’t love you anymore” Revisited”
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Tyler Says:
May 30th, 2005 at 02:17:38At your request….I think that true love is the willingness tp accept everything you don’t know about someone, and work with it, because even after a lifetime with someone, i don’t believe it’s possible to know everything about them, so one must find a way to deal with what gets thrown at you be it good or bad….basically I think that “for better or worse” isn’t merely a pledge you say because of tradition at a wedding, but a statement of what love really is, and what the couple should strive for…
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Christy Says:
June 2nd, 2005 at 12:13:28Still, I think it’s possible to know enough about a person before you vow “for better or for worse” to know that the worse isn’t going to be a completely different person. I’ve been through exactly what that song said. I was in love with a man that didn’t exist; I only thought he did. When I found out that he didn’t exist, my love died. I can honestly say there is not a vestige of it left; only a greater knowledge of what not to do next time! Thankfully, I found out he didn’t exist before I made that vow. After it’s made, it’s a whole new game.
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Denise Says:
June 2nd, 2005 at 16:02:43Okay - how about this perspective? Love dies. Maybe never entirely, but to the point that continuing the relationship is futile. Betrayal can kill it, but more often I think it dies from unrealized (unrealistic) expectations of how this person is going to complement your life. Most people do not hide behind a “mask” for more than a month or two - after that you’re ususally dealing with the real deal. Most people assume that a partner will change and become what we want, expect, hope for. Starting a relationship with our feet firmly planted in reality and without expectations of change is desirable.
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Michael Says:
June 7th, 2005 at 00:00:08Christy and Denise, thank you for your comments! I understand what you both are driving at. I think that love does die, mainly through inaction, but also through exposure of the love to be placed on a false object (object here being person).
I think in my case, I was trying foolishly to cope with the pain of the breakup (a few years ago now), and the girl I had been with responded with such disappointment and repulsion that she was essentially making a negative verbal committment to herself in front of me.
Now, I do think people can change, or at least should; because growth happens if and only if people change. If I am no more mature today than when I was eighteen, I am in sad shape; but if I am the same man in ten or twenty years that I am now, what a damnably stagnant condition I would have reached! But being allowed to grow and being asked or forced to change are two radically different concepts; the latter lacks the love that is required for the former.
May 30th, 2005 at 02:17:38
At your request….I think that true love is the willingness tp accept everything you don’t know about someone, and work with it, because even after a lifetime with someone, i don’t believe it’s possible to know everything about them, so one must find a way to deal with what gets thrown at you be it good or bad….basically I think that “for better or worse” isn’t merely a pledge you say because of tradition at a wedding, but a statement of what love really is, and what the couple should strive for…
June 2nd, 2005 at 12:13:28
Still, I think it’s possible to know enough about a person before you vow “for better or for worse” to know that the worse isn’t going to be a completely different person. I’ve been through exactly what that song said. I was in love with a man that didn’t exist; I only thought he did. When I found out that he didn’t exist, my love died. I can honestly say there is not a vestige of it left; only a greater knowledge of what not to do next time! Thankfully, I found out he didn’t exist before I made that vow. After it’s made, it’s a whole new game.
June 2nd, 2005 at 16:02:43
Okay - how about this perspective? Love dies. Maybe never entirely, but to the point that continuing the relationship is futile. Betrayal can kill it, but more often I think it dies from unrealized (unrealistic) expectations of how this person is going to complement your life. Most people do not hide behind a “mask” for more than a month or two - after that you’re ususally dealing with the real deal. Most people assume that a partner will change and become what we want, expect, hope for. Starting a relationship with our feet firmly planted in reality and without expectations of change is desirable.
June 7th, 2005 at 00:00:08
Christy and Denise, thank you for your comments! I understand what you both are driving at. I think that love does die, mainly through inaction, but also through exposure of the love to be placed on a false object (object here being person).
I think in my case, I was trying foolishly to cope with the pain of the breakup (a few years ago now), and the girl I had been with responded with such disappointment and repulsion that she was essentially making a negative verbal committment to herself in front of me.
Now, I do think people can change, or at least should; because growth happens if and only if people change. If I am no more mature today than when I was eighteen, I am in sad shape; but if I am the same man in ten or twenty years that I am now, what a damnably stagnant condition I would have reached! But being allowed to grow and being asked or forced to change are two radically different concepts; the latter lacks the love that is required for the former.