ThinkBlog

Understanding, Respect, & Love.

I expect and/or want different things out of different people in varying degrees, usually to the extent that I give back; I think everyone else does, too, even if they don’t put it like this exactly.

I was talking with a certain gentleman last week and he got me to thinking about this. He asked me essentially the avenue in which I believed myself to be the most honest in self-expression. I referred him to this site. Why? Because who I am mostly comes shining through in my writing. I tried drawing and painting, and I’ve tried social interactions, but when we need to get down to basics, here I am.

You see, I don’t care if my readers “love” me per se. I highly esteem you all, of course, and I “love” you in that I cherish your time with which you’re reading this blog. But I don’t expect any sort of endearment or commitment there; indeed, I don’t know how it would be possible to display agapé between us. However, to the extent that you invest your time in reading this, you show me a kind of “love.”

Now, if you respect what I have to say, you might come back. If you don’t, no love lost, all things are well, you needn’t return. But to the extent you’re willing to read, you will understand me more and more. (Incidentally, you may therefore love me less and less!)

Not so with girls I date; even friends with whom I hang out, though less so. Nevertheless, the pattern that seems to befall my dating relationships is this. I connect socially, psychologically, and then emotionally; and if we continue to date and all things are well (whatever that means—just go with it for a sec), then to the extent that they respect and understand me, they love me (and I them).

That seems to be the peak, though. When I try to share more of myself, it is usually met with either words or actions that amount to, “You know what? Don’t ever change. Except this stuff that doesn’t suit me.” See, I like to go out dressed well and do things; and I like casual walks in parks and whatnot. That’s great. But I also like to write, to discuss at great length the Things That Matter™, to argue [logically] (different than fight, popular misconception notwithstanding), to imagine, and yes, even to do things with other people.

Up to this point, I’ve been approaching relationships in what I suppose must be the wrong way. I explain my personality in top-down fashion: I like X things; I like doing Y things; here’s how I feel about Z, A, B, and C; I am a Christian; I have “a past;” I don’t do well with stubborn, stuck-up, flamboyantly/ostentatiously ignorant, and/or back-stabbing people. I understand D, E, and F things about you; I can appreciate those things; I see past your façade and know what you’re about, and love you for all of that. Great. Let’s hang out. … So we hang out, and bit by bit, since I want to be understood and loved, I introduce more of myself—either by questions or by direct requests and a sort of give-and-take.

Thing is, the rub comes because the “negative” parts of me are either swept aside or I’m asked in varying degrees of desperation, annoyance, and politeness, to change them. I don’t mean morally negative—these are good to change, and to be confronted about—but just about aspects of my personality, things that are morally and ethically neutral.

[Now, with guy-friends this isn’t a problem. A guy finds out about something in my past, he doesn’t automatically re-assess the relationship in terms of that piece of information. If there’s something someone finds negative about my personality or I theirs, we can approach it one of maybe three or more ways: (1) not mention it, and just get over it; (2) say “Quit doing that,” with about as much tact as napalm; (3) or avoid the person altogether.]

But where’s the balance here? Many respect the president, but neither truly understand nor love him; many understand American pop culture, but neither respect nor love it; and I have been loved when I have been neither truly understood nor respected.

Is that possible? To love someone without understanding or respecting them? Well, perhaps. Let’s qualify it by saying that levels of respect and understanding were at the minimum necessary for any kind of love to be there. I may understand you to the extent that my respect for you allows me to, and I may love what I understand about you. But that’s not the kind of relationship I want, always seeking to be understood and respected.

Hmm. If this seems rambly and jumpy, it’s probably because I’m omitting great swaths so that it doesn’t become to angry, specific, or intimately personal. But this may help me organize my thoughts later….

Understanding, Respect, & Love.

I expect and/or want different things out of different people in varying degrees, usually to the extent that I give back; I think everyone else does, too, even if they don’t put it like this exactly.

I was talking with a certain gentleman last week and he got me to thinking about this. He asked me essentially the avenue in which I believed myself to be the most honest in self-expression. I referred him to this site. Why? Because who I am mostly comes shining through in my writing. I tried drawing and painting, and I’ve tried social interactions, but when we need to get down to basics, here I am.

You see, I don’t care if my readers “love” me per se. I highly esteem you all, of course, and I “love” you in that I cherish your time with which you’re reading this blog. But I don’t expect any sort of endearment or commitment there; indeed, I don’t know how it would be possible to display agapé between us. However, to the extent that you invest your time in reading this, you show me a kind of “love.”

Now, if you respect what I have to say, you might come back. If you don’t, no love lost, all things are well, you needn’t return. But to the extent you’re willing to read, you will understand me more and more. (Incidentally, you may therefore love me less and less!)

Not so with girls I date; even friends with whom I hang out, though less so. Nevertheless, the pattern that seems to befall my dating relationships is this. I connect socially, psychologically, and then emotionally; and if we continue to date and all things are well (whatever that means—just go with it for a sec), then to the extent that they respect and understand me, they love me (and I them).

That seems to be the peak, though. When I try to share more of myself, it is usually met with either words or actions that amount to, “You know what? Don’t ever change. Except this stuff that doesn’t suit me.” See, I like to go out dressed well and do things; and I like casual walks in parks and whatnot. That’s great. But I also like to write, to discuss at great length the Things That Matter™, to argue [logically] (different than fight, popular misconception notwithstanding), to imagine, and yes, even to do things with other people.

Up to this point, I’ve been approaching relationships in what I suppose must be the wrong way. I explain my personality in top-down fashion: I like X things; I like doing Y things; here’s how I feel about Z, A, B, and C; I am a Christian; I have “a past;” I don’t do well with stubborn, stuck-up, flamboyantly/ostentatiously ignorant, and/or back-stabbing people. I understand D, E, and F things about you; I can appreciate those things; I see past your façade and know what you’re about, and love you for all of that. Great. Let’s hang out. … So we hang out, and bit by bit, since I want to be understood and loved, I introduce more of myself—either by questions or by direct requests and a sort of give-and-take.

Thing is, the rub comes because the “negative” parts of me are either swept aside or I’m asked in varying degrees of desperation, annoyance, and politeness, to change them. I don’t mean morally negative—these are good to change, and to be confronted about—but just about aspects of my personality, things that are morally and ethically neutral.

[Now, with guy-friends this isn’t a problem. A guy finds out about something in my past, he doesn’t automatically re-assess the relationship in terms of that piece of information. If there’s something someone finds negative about my personality or I theirs, we can approach it one of maybe three or more ways: (1) not mention it, and just get over it; (2) say “Quit doing that,” with about as much tact as napalm; (3) or avoid the person altogether.]

But where’s the balance here? Many respect the president, but neither truly understand nor love him; many understand American pop culture, but neither respect nor love it; and I have been loved when I have been neither truly understood nor respected.

Is that possible? To love someone without understanding or respecting them? Well, perhaps. Let’s qualify it by saying that levels of respect and understanding were at the minimum necessary for any kind of love to be there. I may understand you to the extent that my respect for you allows me to, and I may love what I understand about you. But that’s not the kind of relationship I want, always seeking to be understood and respected.

Hmm. If this seems rambly and jumpy, it’s probably because I’m omitting great swaths so that it doesn’t become to angry, specific, or intimately personal. But this may help me organize my thoughts later….